I knew what I was doing professionally - had that on lock.
I loved having an email address that would flow with people seeking my opinion or asking for help.
I was happy to study and learn what I needed to in order to achieve my next goal.
I earned a solid income.
I felt like I understood my body.
I enjoyed the freedom of leisure time.
Oh, and I didn't cry at ads on TV.
Then, I had our first baby and I wondered how on earth I was qualified for this.
It wasn't just the practical side of Motherhood that was all new, it was also the other physical, emotional, psychological, spiritual & relational aspects that came with it that I was not expecting.
I didn't expect to question my self worth. I didn't expect to feel resentful that my whole world had changed & my husband still received emails.
I didn't expect that comparison or judgement would impact how I would feel about my Mothering. I didn't expect it to take a while to reconnect with my body again. I didn't expect my brain to change.
I didn't expect to feel like a beginner or like I was doing it wrong. I didn’t expect I’d have to work against feeling guilty for nothing.
I didn't expect how I would be cracked open and learn hard, new & beautiful things about myself.
I didn't expect to feel like I needed to scream and also feel such a deep sense of love and tenderness at the same time.
I don't remember reading anything about all the tiny and huge ways this could impact me as a human (not from the perspective of my baby.)
The process of becoming a Mother is much more complex than the having a baby part.
It is journey of transformation, a rite of passage that includes hopes and dreams and challenges and tears and grieving and expectations and growth and joy.
It is a push & pull.
A holding on and a letting go all at the same time. Holding on to parts of ourselves that we love from before while also letting go and allowing our new self to become at the same time.
When we acknowledge that we are on a journey of Becoming a Mother and gift ourselves the time, the space and the understanding for all our big feelings, we might feel less weighed down by them. It might give us a sense of autonomy to choose to figure out the way we want to mother (rather than expecting perfection from ourselves) and also to know that we're not broken or alone in our experiences.
The term for this is Matresence.
An important word that gives insight into the “in-between” we experience as Mothers. I find this super helpful because it gives a name to seasons of Motherhood that can be stretchy for us and reminds us that we are allowed to continue to become through each season that Motherhood brings. Whether that’s more children, returning to work, kids going to school or older kids moving through adolescents. We are continually becoming, growing and learning about ourselves & our children. We’ve never done this before and that deserves a WHOLE lot of self-compassion & understanding.
You're doing great Mama, you're not alone.
Here is a great video to watch to learn more.
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