Hi! I’ve missed you. If I’m honest, I’ve missed myself.
There’s been a bit going on in my world and I had to put some things down to deal with them. The main thing I’ve been doing is taking time to remove the grip that anxiety has had on my throat and the knot it had formed in my stomach. I had fallen into the trap of expectations and worry. I put too much on myself without completely dealing with the toughness that we’ve had over the last 12 months.
It all seemed to catch up with a huge emotionally draining ca-thunk.
That’s the thing about living with anxiety, it’s a practice, a learning, a reminder to live in a way that honours capacity, not ability. Otherwise it can crash in when it’s not welcome or expected.
So, for a few weeks I had to strip back my life as much as I could to allow for healing. Because healing does come and given the depths that this period has taken me to, I am excited for the rebuild & growth that has come & will continue to come. This is where living kind with ourselves is so important. Anxiety reminds me when I am out of alignment with myself and yells at me to be kinder to myself.
So why am I sharing this?
Because this is a space for real-life conversations and this is a real-life thing that many Mama’s live with. It does not belong in the shadows because that’s where fear lives. It belongs in the open spaces so healing & growth and connectedness can come. It belongs in the light so we can smother it with kindness and truth, not veil it with untrue stories and shame.
I know how tender and debilitating it can be. I know how it feels to sob in the shower & have no idea what the next step is. I have had the sore jaw from clenching it so much. I have felt the exhaustion of sleeplessness from a racing mind. I know the churning stomach and the catastrophising thoughts. I get it, I see you. I want you to know that you are not alone, you are not crazy, you are not broken, you are stronger than you know and healing can come from this.
So what are my first few steps in the journey when I have these moments?
⋒ Therapy: I called my psychologist to make an appointment on zoom. You can get subsidised visits if you go to a doctor and get a care plan. ⋒ Simplify: I tried to focus on just 3 things – Water, Movement & Kids. That’s it. (Yes, I am aware the kids part is huge, but I simplified that where I could & tried to focus on really being in the moment with them) ⋒ Talk & cry: I opened up with a few trusted people about how I was feeling, allowed the emotions to come and uncovered some lies I was telling myself. ⋒ Re-connect with my faith: I pray, I go deep to connect with my true self again. The one that knows she is inherently valuable, worthy and loved. ⋒ Stay curious: Notice my thoughts and feelings, gently consider what they’re about, what might be causing them, are they true? ⋒ Increase the kind: Now is the time to increase kindness towards myself, drop those expectations, release what i’m ‘supposed’ to say or do or feel. Breath deeply and stay present without judgement. ⋒ Relaxation/Meditation: I play a relaxation track every night before bed and through the night if I can’t sleep. ⋒ Journal: Writing out an unfiltered version of what’s going on in my head is so helpful. It helps reduce the mental load and also allows me to see where thoughts are coming from.
It’s not easy, it’s bloody hard work. But I truly believe we are worth the work. YOU are worth the work. Because on the other side of it is freedom, freedom to bloom more fully into ourselves. And that is a beautiful gift. I need you to know that.
Big love Renee xx
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